I am not ready for recovery
I felt this for a long time (hence 30 years plus living in the hell of an eating disorder), and it’s so common and there are many reasons for this. Some of the below may resonate with you, and if they do, then I want you to know that there is no perfect time, that you don’t need to wait until you are more unwell, that there will be no perfect way to recover that you are constantly searching for on the internet. The delay will only end up with you being sicker than you already are, and making the eating disorder more entrenched and so much a part of your life that recovery may take longer.
As my wonderful coach told me “If not now when”?
I am not sick enough
Maybe you think you are not sick enough because you are not classed as underweight, or no one has started to question a change in your eating habits, or you are complimented on being “ so slim”. Maybe you are underweight but don’t feel unwell and manage to carry on with your work and your social events.
I believed this for a long time. I think I convinced myself that I had control of the eating disorder. I was sick, it was only when I recovered that I realised how sick I was, how hard everything had been, how little energy I had, how cold I was constantly, how my hair was falling out. If you are restricting food, if you are over exercising to control your body, you are sick enough to get help.
Unicorn syndrome
This is where perfectly intelligent people acknowledge that recovery is possible – but just not for them! They are so unique and so different to everyone else, that they are the only person who cannot recover. Well, I will call BS on this one, you are very special in your own way – but you are not that special that you are the only person who just cannot live a healthy free life. What would you tell your best friend if they said they wanted to recover but it was impossible for them? …….Exactly, ITS ALL POSSIBLE!
It’s not the right time
Oh, this one really resonates with me, because I was that person, work was too busy, I couldn’t take any time off, I was feeling a bit depressed and would do recovery when my mood was better etc etc etc.
I don’t have children, but from what I have been told from friends, this is like waiting to have children, wating for when it will be a good time to take maternity leave, when you just have more money, when the house is perfect, when life is just swimming along with no issues – it doesn’t work that way. You just do it and find that life works around it- we all know what happens with best laid plans.
Telling yourself it’s not the right time may be fear, it may be procrastination, or it may be denial about your eating disorder and the damage it can do. The only way you can reduce the fear is by showing your brain with consistent action that recovery is not something to fear. Whatever reasons you have for this not being the right time, we will work around them, you can recover when life is not perfect and recovery will bring you so much space and joy, that any other life problems will be so much easier to manage.
I don’t know enough yet
That is where I come in- I completely understand wanting to prepare for recovery, doing some research on what to expect so you know what may happen at various stages, and it’s not a bad thing if it gives you the motivation to take that first step. But guess what, you will never be able to know exactly what your recovery will be like, because its different for everyone, you are unique (although not a unicorn as we have already established! )
So, while there are some stages that are common to many people with a restrictive eating disorder, not everyone experiences the same recovery journey. You literally do have to take it day by day and deal with what comes up for you (with my support).
You will learn and experience all you need to know to recover, and you will take those tools from your lived experience to ensure you never go back. No one (in my opinion), can learn their way out of an eating disorder, no matter how books you read, or podcasts you listen to, it needs action, not logic. If you could recover with knowledge about your eating disorder you would be recovered already, wouldn’t you?
Let me ask you this? If your doctor told you had a medical condition that needed treatment – do you need to fully understand it the same way as your doctor to take the medication?
Well, this is a medical condition and food and lots of it is the medication!
